[sticky entry] Sticky: Friends!

Dec. 17th, 2018 01:11 pm
bill_kaulitz: (bartok {anastasia} | face of a bat who'd)
Hey everyone!

If you've added me and would like me to add you back, comment here :) My journal is not 100% friends only, but commenting here will help me feel a little better about adding you back, if that makes sense.

Thanks! <3
bill_kaulitz: (pikachu | target practice)
I have not been around, so sorry. I have a lot of catching up to do, don't know when I'll get to it.

It's been crazy busy at work due to a new rollout for a payment system that of course didn't go well on its first week, so we've been trying to catch up on shit. This, coming off hurting my back by STRETCHING this weekend, only to slide right into a wannabe stomach virus that didn't quite become a virus, but it still made me feel like absolute shit. It's been hectic at work and I had to call in yesterday and leave early today.

It's hard not to let this shit get to me, but until P gets her shit together, work hasn't been as enjoyable as it was. And she won't get her shit together, so I'm struggling to just ignore it.

I'm just bitchy and cranky after a very long week. Glad tomorrow is Friday for SURE.
bill_kaulitz: (asagi | sakura)
We're so slow at work that I've spent most of my time on Pinterest today. A site I almost have rarely used (only have one because my sister made me lol), and now I have updated boards and stuff.

I feel productive. I wish I had money to buy ALL the patterns I've found for cross-stitch ideas. Plenty of free stuff out there, but ehhh.

That being said, today feels like Friday and I'm aggravated that it isn't :|
bill_kaulitz: (倖田 來未 | bad girl)
So I'm super stuck on this new song "Sweet by Psycho" by Ava Max, but I've actually been met with a LOT of resistance when I tell people I'm into it. Granted, I tend not to jump headfirst into the newest pop trends, but when there's nothing on Sirius and you check the Top 40 channel, and what do you know, you like the song, what can you do??

Most people have been like "omg, it's just so much like Lady Gaga". Like...okay? What's wrong with that? I still don't really hear it. I KIND of catch the chord progressions and hear the similarities, but even still, as a Gaga fan, I'm still like ???? about the comparison. Maybe I'm brain farting majorly, but I seriously don't hear it as something obvious.

IDK. I like the song lol.
bill_kaulitz: (YURAサマ {the BEETHOVEN} | elegant as alwa)
watched and finished Russian Doll in one day. Eight thirty minute episodes? Great idea. I felt so accomplished finishing that show in one day lol

It was REALLY good. Very insightful and creative and wow. Idk how they'll do another season, unless it's another arc for another set of characters. I feel like Nadia and Alan's story is through, so idk if this was a one season thing or what.

also started American Gods last night, but the cable box was not cooperating. hope to try again tonight. finished the first episode and part of the second before i got fed up with trying lol

It's WEIRD but intriguing enough to continue.

Guess maybe I'll start Umbrella Academy tomorrow??? I need to watch the new Queer Eye too, but I want to watch that at home where I can sob in peace lololololol
bill_kaulitz: (kaulitz twins | winnars!)
So I finally finished watching Lucifer, courtesy of [personal profile] missanthropicprinciple, not a terrible show. Flawed in its execution, but overall, it kept me watching till the end. I wish I could leave better reviews, because I really have stuff to say. Like, the writing was inconsistent, they'd bring up really intense plot points, only to have the next episode be a filler. Season three, although good in spots, was probably the worst of the bunch, random flashback episodes that served no purpose other than to give backstory that really wasn't crucial to anything but...a miniscule amount of character development, that by this point in the series, seemed out of place.

So, the writing gets like...a 5/10.

Characters? Much better, many were likable, a couple were bad, a few got better than when they were first introduced. Hated Dan when he first showed up, but by season three, I was like aw, yay, Dan! Like, almost every character was likable and redeemable.

But the villains sucked. I mean, what can you do with them, when the protagonist of the show IS the main villain in all of "creation", you know? I've never read the source material for this show, which I feel like I should do to be more knowledgable in my critique, but this is just how I feel viewing the show from this ignorant standpoint.

But to tie back to the inconsistent writing, is the whole central point of Lucifer/Chloe. So much building up to the OMG are they going to get together, only to have episodes in between those crucial moments that act like there has either a) been no growth, or b) like none of those crucial moments even happened. One could argue that Chloe is being professional and sticking to her job, but Lucifer is the big kid who you would think, wouldn't let those crucial moments be forgotten.

And then not to mention the random Pierce arc in Season Three. That was infuriating.

Tl;dr, LOVED the show, but it is very very chock full of inconsistent writing and issues. I'm not surprised it was cancelled. I sincerely hope Netflix does a great job of reviving it and fixing that writing flaw.

I want to revisit this and talk more about the characters, but I had to get the writing issues off my chest lololol

Back to work.


Mar. 11th, 2019 07:49 am
bill_kaulitz: (YOSHIKI | natural beauty)
Before I dive into my work (I have a LOT to do today), I wanted to post about my dream last night. I don't really remember my dreams as much as I used to. I know I still dream, but I'm struggling to remember them more and more and it's frustrating me because I feel like it's a sign I'm getting older and I'm not okay with that?

Anyway, cut time )

Can you see why I'm bummed I don't remember my dreams????

I can't wait to sit down and decipher this one. It'll be fun lol
bill_kaulitz: (浜崎あゆみ | r a i n b o w)
I was really NOT feeling this latest fic I started for the FFXV fandom. It's another fic from another fandom I was customizing for the lovely boys and it just...it just wasn't happening.

Sometimes, I'll get into something and it makes me SO happy for a brief moment in time that I kind of lose myself in it to a point that's borderline unhealthy. Call it chasing the dragon, IDK. But I was worried I had reached that point of "okay, I need to back off" since this fic wasn't clicking.

Sad thing is, I WANT to work on it. So, I decided if I didn't get any comments on this latest chapter, that was to be my sign. I'd walk away, no harm no foul.

And then I wake up with a comment, so hah, okay there goes that plan.

Then I get to work and I got the NICEST comment on my latest chapter. About how interesting it is and how well the characters are written, even the sub-characters. And I just... I mean, I didn't get emotional, but I just had to stop and go... AW. Like, those moments where you're just like "F-it" and something like that happens.

It's a good feeling.

So I'm going to really try to write this fic to the best of my abilities. Maybe it won't work regardless, but...idk, I feel so good about it now, I'm willing to really try.
bill_kaulitz: (倖田 來未 | bad girl)
I know I'm posting again today, but ugh. Gotta get something else off my chest.

I've lost myself to writing fanfictions over the past couple of weeks, and it's been great. I found a few old ones I wrote for another fandom that will NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY because I shipped real people and it was gross and I swear.

But the plots were SUPER decent on a couple of them. The rest were mostly one-shots. So I took them, tweaked the plots, and rewrote them for FFXV and it was glorious. I am so proud of Sweet Dreams, it's not even funny.

But although I have a couple more fics to tweak for the FFXV (because it totally works), I'm stuck remembering I have an actual BOOK I need to be working on and I'm struggling. I just...I can't love my main character. She was a self-insert I've fought to make NOT a self-insert, and now she's a shell that I don't love.

She's me and I can't do anything about it and I don't love "me".

Coupled with the fact that I am really struggling to build a cohesive plot for this second book (I had it all worked out, but the details are killing me), I just don't want to touch the book anymore.

A bit of a hyperbole, but still.

And I'm trying not to panic or freak out, and to be fair, I'm not REALLY. Mainly because no one's even finished the book (and if they have, they haven't told me, which...yeah, not a good sign). It's been over a month, which I guess isn't a TERRIBLY long amount of time, but...still, not good.

I need to do something about my internalized self-hatred so that I can radiate positivity and actively fight my depression. But I get into such a comfortable rut that I don't really care until I notice it affecting me, and then I just victimize myself to justify what I'm feeling and wallow in that until something happens.

bill_kaulitz: (sailor moon | ITAI!)
I am quite literally turning into a tortured artist.

So I wrote a fic for the FFXV fandom, well, another fic. Called Sweet Dreams, check it out if you're an Ignoct fan, I love it, but it's all I can think about! I swear, it's taking over my danged life.

But I've never been prouder of a fic. Chapter Five had everyone reading it, freaking the EFF out (on a work computer, I dun wanna curse lololol) and I was so giddy and happy about it.

But Wednesday, I literally lost sleep over the fic. I couldn't figure out Chapter Six and barfed out some terrible thing in its place, but everyone still seemed to like it?

Had to stay home from work yesterday because I felt so exhausted.

ajflkasjflkasjflkajsflkajsdlfkj I need help.

But Chapter Seven is up. Go check it out. Link to my AO3 account is in my profile :)

TL;DR, I'm just obsessing and need to stop :)
bill_kaulitz: (bill kaulitz | when you're feeling sad)
Holy shit I wrote a fic.


Final Fantasy XV

Pls go read it ;-;


Feb. 20th, 2019 07:07 am
bill_kaulitz: (gackt | free)
In my quest to obtain stuff from the past, i.e., nostalgia road, I found some discs friends burned for me when my first computer died. Unfortunately, the one with my music on it was nowhere to be found, and THAT one would probably have solved some, if not all, of my problems.

HOWEVER. I *did* find some fanart of my book a friend drew for me back in 2001/2002. It was a picture I thought was lost, so I straight up got emotional when I stumbled over it. AND I found a fanfic for a fandom that shall not be named because it's humiliating and gross, BUTTTTTTT, the pair aside, it was actually...dare I say, a GOOD read. I...really need to start giving myself more credit. My writing is not terrible ;-;

Like, it's good enough to replace characters with of a different fandom and put up on Ao3 lol ngl, I'm tempted!

But my quest to find music I lost still goes on. Unless someone wants to give me an iTunes gift card, a lot of this will have to wait. But I still have my old laptop, it's dead but the harddrive SHOULD still be okay. I just need to find someone with the means to help me get stuff off it. Crossing my fingers that I know someone.

edit: since I don't expect any of my friends to have the means/offer to help, went ahead and asked my dad for what I needed.. So I just bought an adapter that should arrive on Friday. imma be extra mad if it gets here and nothing is on that harddrive. I hope my friend copied the files when he helped me back in the day and didn't MOVE them onto the discs I can't find.
bill_kaulitz: (pikachu {pokemon} | yawwwwwwn)
iTunes is enabling my Nostalgia Road trip.

Back during my J-Rock days, the music was so hard to find so we all resorted to sharing with each other. That's how I built up my collection. I lost a good chunk of it due to computers dying and deleting stuff I stopped listening to (ughhh, mistake), and now, I'm struggling MORE to find some of the stuff I used to listen to.

And then iTunes comes along, being a hero. It has a good chunk of what I listened to!! Even some of the more obscure stuff that made my heart stop when I searched and found one song I really wanted.

I really need to be careful about this nostalgia binge, but...it makes me happy to see some of my past becoming accessible again. Even at the cost of $.99 a song lol
bill_kaulitz: (stock model | smooth and shiny)
One of my coworkers finished my book today and said it was good and asked me when the next one is coming out. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR HER, but am very pleased that she liked it.

She said she did notice errors in her edition, which I knew some were still floating around. But since she noticed it enough to bring it up, I have homework to do this evening on getting some of those taken care of.

I wish I could just FIND them instead of having to read. It's the errors that Word won't pick up because they're real words, not typos. I was probably editing a sentence in the middle of it and forgot to take out part of the snippet I was editing. A lot of those slipped through. asjflkasjflasfj

Well, time to get cracking.

Oh Hiroki

Feb. 16th, 2019 12:42 pm
bill_kaulitz: (hiroki {d} | disco!)
I remember making this icon. I remember how much it made me laugh.

I laughed so hard when I found it last night that I instantly uploaded it, crappy quality or not. I remember making it and I remember how I felt and something about that moment really meant something to me.
bill_kaulitz: (bill kaulitz | the dark side of the sun)
Been feeling a strong urge to work on a different story (separate from the trilogy I'm working on now), and I can't decide if it's a good or bad idea. I shouldn't jump to it solely because I'm frustrated with the one I'm working on now, but it's been unfinished since high school and I want to FINISH it.

I'm happy to have the urge, if anything. I truly think it has promise and should be my next project once the trilogy is complete. And then I have one more trilogy (again, separate) that needs to be revamped and put out into the world. Though the second was never finished and the third never started lololol

At least I have stuff to do.
bill_kaulitz: (tom kaulitz | the future's just begun)
I also hate Valentine's day, just saying.
bill_kaulitz: (lady gaga | the edge of glory)
I have a hard time typing on this keyboard at work, so this post won't be long, I'm just feeling some super writing frustration and I'm struggling hard with it.

I feel a bit lost with the second book. I keep see-sawing between this being normal or giving into the ALL IS LOSSSTTTTTTTTT feeling I tend to wallow in when things don't come easily. This final rewrite of Book One came about very rapidly. Now that it's done and I'm on to the second book, there is no rewrite. Fixing and revamping Book One ultimately negated EVERY subsequent book I'd written in the series. I'm not crushed. They weren't very good (and I mean that truthfully, full of teenage logic and drama that would've had to be removed and fixed in addition to the poor/shaky plots they had.) But it makes Book Two that much more of a challenge.

I'm struggling with details. I should've thought out publishing the first one a little more. Any plots for the next two books have to coincide with book one, and it's starting to become a struggle. I'm worried it's becoming too complicated in comparison to the first and I can't decide if that's okay or not. I can't say much without spoiling it and I don't want to do that.

What's worse is my struggle with Lani. Her identity is so important, and every decision I make seems to affect it in a negative way.

And yeah, I know I'll probably work these problems out, I'm just so worried about it all. Regardless of how the book does, I want it to be my best. I don't want to half-ass it and I want things to make sense, and I want the characters to work and be...relatable.

bill_kaulitz: (pokemon | shocking)
So although it still hurts, it's easier to type, especially on this low-impact keyboard.

For those who don't know, my finger got caught in a door-shutting incident on Friday. As I was running out of my room, my sweater caught on my doorknob and spun me around. My hand went up to catch myself and as a result, my middle finger was caught in the door closing (in the hinge). The sweater was pulling the door shut rather hard, so the tip of my finger got closed on. I heard crunching, and yes, it hurt.

I had a performance less than two hours away. WHAT FUN.

After lots of bleeding and pain, I cried a bit (after the adrenaline wore off and the pain started to make itself known), it legit brought me to tears because of how bad it hurt. I could barely grip the prop I had to use in the play, smhhhhh

ANYWAY. I'm not sure what I did. It's Tuesday and the tip of my finger is still fairly swollen. The lower half of my nail is still dark and red and bloody (looks like I caught the nail right in the middle but did not break it?)

So I'm not sure what caused the "crunch" I heard, but the nail didn't break, and I'm SO not dramatic enough to think the sound was my bone breaking. My finger doesn't hurt enough to warrant a broken finger tip. Not to mention, can't do jack shit about a broken finger tip since the knuckle/joint is completely uninjured.

My biggest concern, tbh, is the swelling. It feels super tight and uncomfortable and aspirin isn't doing much to relieve it. Sometimes squeezing it helps relieve the pressure (like, a gentle held squeeze over the nail, and I do mean gentle), but it throbs a bit after and I can't decide if it's worth the relief. It's also hot to touch (which I've read is normal???)

Idk, I just can't bring myself to go to the doctor.


Feb. 8th, 2019 11:28 am
bill_kaulitz: (lady gaga | piece of cake)
So I got my hair cut for the first time in months and splurged on a cut/color because I got my tax return. I picked a new girl people had recommended, but I cannot figure out if I like my hair or not.

The end goal for my hair is to get a ash-blonde ombre. My hair is super dark, so this will take more than one visit to achieve, I was aware of this. But after she colored my hair, you could barely tell. It's SO subtle. After the first wash, you can tell a little more because some of the dark washed out in addition to the toner (which she said would happen and I'm okay with), but I'm just like...

My hair always made a statement in the past. I always did crazy stuff that got attention, so subtle is.........really not my thing. She also didn't cut my hair the way I wanted, but idk if that's my fault or hers. She didn't screw it up or anything, just didn't really give me what I wanted and I'm not sure if I wasn't clear enough or if she misunderstood me, you know?

I want to give her another chance, because I don't think she's a bad hairstylist. It just wasn't the first experience I was hoping, for the money I spent.

asdjflasjflkasjf Ugh.


Feb. 4th, 2019 06:04 pm
bill_kaulitz: (james bond {casino royale} | shaken not)
Just because it's relevant, it really bugs me that Cirque doesn't really celebrate the anniversary of its dead shows.

This year would be Dralion's 20th if they hadn't closed it. I joked to my friend (who I met through our mutual love of the show and Erik) about how they really should release the show on Blu-Ray, unedited or something (because they really kind of botched some of the editing, especially when you have access to songs that people recorded and you never knew how some of the songs really went unless you saw the show live or had those bootleg live tracks).

Not only would we have Erik in HD, but omg, just...just having the show back after all these years.

*quiet sobs*


bill_kaulitz: (Default)

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