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I planned out a whole post the other week and got interrupted/never came back.


Right now though, I'm just pissed about not getting a raise at work, but them countering with giving me more work, and then me finding out the fuck up that got hired after me is making more than me (because guess what! He's a man!), and I'm just...really fucking depressed right now.

So I meant to be more diligent with posting about things and immediately dropped the ball. To be fair, it's not a habit to post/journal, so that's on me.

This week was a solid lesson in disappointment. So I read a book titled "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", basically about people who were raised by shitty parents who were not emotionally mature enough to raise children. To put it bluntly. I was raised by a narcissist father and...honestly don't know what to call my mom, but both of them are EI parents for sure.

Anyway, to make a long story short - the unfortunate way to heal and deal with being raised by EI parents is to basically stop engaging with them. Start drawing back, stop trying to get them to be what you want (and you need to have accepted that they won't change unless THEY make that choice, which I have), and for lack of a better way of putting it: basically limit your exposure to them. Unfortunately for me, I go to their house to do my laundry, and this past Sunday, I dropped the *ball*. I immediately sat with my dad to watch the movie he had, and when we went to lunch (all three of us), I was chatting them UP. Then my mom and I ran errands and made a King Cake, and I couldn't stop telling her all about the plot of FFX because I had the soundtrack playing for background music.

It's like watching a car wreck and not being able to do anything to stop it. AGH.

So I discussed this with my parents today and he suggested I start finding ways to not go over and do my laundry and I immediately got uncomfortable and started feeling guilty and we discovered today that I'm *still* incredibly dependent on them and care way too much about possibly hurting their feelings. But, the better strategy we decided on, even if it's the more expensive route, is for me to get my own machines. A laundromat would be cheaper, but I honestly hate devoting any more time than necessary to laundry. If I could just yeet my clothes in my own machines, I'd feel so much better than having to spend ALL DAY at my parents' house.

I hate how much effort it takes to heal yourself. Especially when you didn't even DO this to yourself, someone else did. I wish it were just super easy to turn everything around and make it all better.


But honestly, the main reason I wanted to post tonight was because something GOOD happened today. Today was stressful because last night my neighbor's dog was outside ALL NIGHT BARKING. I slept *terribly*, and I'm still anxious about dealing with that in the future. Though if it happens tonight, I have every right to call animal patrol and/or the cops because it's going below freezing. Hopefully I don't have to do that.

However, a former friend reached out and friended me on Facebook. Which may seem inconsequential to some, but...this really doesn't happen to me very often. I was just thinking earlier today how...sad it was that people don't seem to remember me, that I don't really stick out in their minds, and if we lose connection, that's probably the end of it. It's honestly why *I* don't go out of my way to refriend people. I feel like...I don't matter to them. Truthfully, I have no idea, but honestly, based on my past posts and honestly, what I said up above, are you shocked that my self-esteem is so shitty?

It just made me feel good and that maybe there is hope for the people I've unintentionally written out of my life. I just have to be patient and look for the opportunities if they present themselves to me.



This was a good post :)

I know I'm posting again today, but ugh. Gotta get something else off my chest.

I've lost myself to writing fanfictions over the past couple of weeks, and it's been great. I found a few old ones I wrote for another fandom that will NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY because I shipped real people and it was gross and I swear.

But the plots were SUPER decent on a couple of them. The rest were mostly one-shots. So I took them, tweaked the plots, and rewrote them for FFXV and it was glorious. I am so proud of Sweet Dreams, it's not even funny.



But although I have a couple more fics to tweak for the FFXV (because it totally works), I'm stuck remembering I have an actual BOOK I need to be working on and I'm struggling. I just...I can't love my main character. She was a self-insert I've fought to make NOT a self-insert, and now she's a shell that I don't love.

She's me and I can't do anything about it and I don't love "me".

Coupled with the fact that I am really struggling to build a cohesive plot for this second book (I had it all worked out, but the details are killing me), I just don't want to touch the book anymore.

A bit of a hyperbole, but still.

And I'm trying not to panic or freak out, and to be fair, I'm not REALLY. Mainly because no one's even finished the book (and if they have, they haven't told me, which...yeah, not a good sign). It's been over a month, which I guess isn't a TERRIBLY long amount of time, but...still, not good.


I need to do something about my internalized self-hatred so that I can radiate positivity and actively fight my depression. But I get into such a comfortable rut that I don't really care until I notice it affecting me, and then I just victimize myself to justify what I'm feeling and wallow in that until something happens.

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