not the real bill kaulitz (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bill_kaulitz) wrote2019-03-04 01:01 pm
bill_kaulitz) wrote2019-03-04 01:01 pm
Entry tags:
one post is enough, i know
I know I'm posting again today, but ugh. Gotta get something else off my chest.
I've lost myself to writing fanfictions over the past couple of weeks, and it's been great. I found a few old ones I wrote for another fandom that will NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY because I shipped real people and it was gross and I swear.
But the plots were SUPER decent on a couple of them. The rest were mostly one-shots. So I took them, tweaked the plots, and rewrote them for FFXV and it was glorious. I am so proud of Sweet Dreams, it's not even funny.
But although I have a couple more fics to tweak for the FFXV (because it totally works), I'm stuck remembering I have an actual BOOK I need to be working on and I'm struggling. I just...I can't love my main character. She was a self-insert I've fought to make NOT a self-insert, and now she's a shell that I don't love.
She's me and I can't do anything about it and I don't love "me".
Coupled with the fact that I am really struggling to build a cohesive plot for this second book (I had it all worked out, but the details are killing me), I just don't want to touch the book anymore.
A bit of a hyperbole, but still.
And I'm trying not to panic or freak out, and to be fair, I'm not REALLY. Mainly because no one's even finished the book (and if they have, they haven't told me, which...yeah, not a good sign). It's been over a month, which I guess isn't a TERRIBLY long amount of time, but...still, not good.
I need to do something about my internalized self-hatred so that I can radiate positivity and actively fight my depression. But I get into such a comfortable rut that I don't really care until I notice it affecting me, and then I just victimize myself to justify what I'm feeling and wallow in that until something happens.
askdjflkasjflkasdjf
I've lost myself to writing fanfictions over the past couple of weeks, and it's been great. I found a few old ones I wrote for another fandom that will NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY because I shipped real people and it was gross and I swear.
But the plots were SUPER decent on a couple of them. The rest were mostly one-shots. So I took them, tweaked the plots, and rewrote them for FFXV and it was glorious. I am so proud of Sweet Dreams, it's not even funny.
But although I have a couple more fics to tweak for the FFXV (because it totally works), I'm stuck remembering I have an actual BOOK I need to be working on and I'm struggling. I just...I can't love my main character. She was a self-insert I've fought to make NOT a self-insert, and now she's a shell that I don't love.
She's me and I can't do anything about it and I don't love "me".
Coupled with the fact that I am really struggling to build a cohesive plot for this second book (I had it all worked out, but the details are killing me), I just don't want to touch the book anymore.
A bit of a hyperbole, but still.
And I'm trying not to panic or freak out, and to be fair, I'm not REALLY. Mainly because no one's even finished the book (and if they have, they haven't told me, which...yeah, not a good sign). It's been over a month, which I guess isn't a TERRIBLY long amount of time, but...still, not good.
I need to do something about my internalized self-hatred so that I can radiate positivity and actively fight my depression. But I get into such a comfortable rut that I don't really care until I notice it affecting me, and then I just victimize myself to justify what I'm feeling and wallow in that until something happens.
askdjflkasjflkasdjf