Agh

So I meant to be more diligent with posting about things and immediately dropped the ball. To be fair, it's not a habit to post/journal, so that's on me.

This week was a solid lesson in disappointment. So I read a book titled "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", basically about people who were raised by shitty parents who were not emotionally mature enough to raise children. To put it bluntly. I was raised by a narcissist father and...honestly don't know what to call my mom, but both of them are EI parents for sure.

Anyway, to make a long story short - the unfortunate way to heal and deal with being raised by EI parents is to basically stop engaging with them. Start drawing back, stop trying to get them to be what you want (and you need to have accepted that they won't change unless THEY make that choice, which I have), and for lack of a better way of putting it: basically limit your exposure to them. Unfortunately for me, I go to their house to do my laundry, and this past Sunday, I dropped the *ball*. I immediately sat with my dad to watch the movie he had, and when we went to lunch (all three of us), I was chatting them UP. Then my mom and I ran errands and made a King Cake, and I couldn't stop telling her all about the plot of FFX because I had the soundtrack playing for background music.

It's like watching a car wreck and not being able to do anything to stop it. AGH.

So I discussed this with my parents today and he suggested I start finding ways to not go over and do my laundry and I immediately got uncomfortable and started feeling guilty and we discovered today that I'm *still* incredibly dependent on them and care way too much about possibly hurting their feelings. But, the better strategy we decided on, even if it's the more expensive route, is for me to get my own machines. A laundromat would be cheaper, but I honestly hate devoting any more time than necessary to laundry. If I could just yeet my clothes in my own machines, I'd feel so much better than having to spend ALL DAY at my parents' house.

I hate how much effort it takes to heal yourself. Especially when you didn't even DO this to yourself, someone else did. I wish it were just super easy to turn everything around and make it all better.


But honestly, the main reason I wanted to post tonight was because something GOOD happened today. Today was stressful because last night my neighbor's dog was outside ALL NIGHT BARKING. I slept *terribly*, and I'm still anxious about dealing with that in the future. Though if it happens tonight, I have every right to call animal patrol and/or the cops because it's going below freezing. Hopefully I don't have to do that.

However, a former friend reached out and friended me on Facebook. Which may seem inconsequential to some, but...this really doesn't happen to me very often. I was just thinking earlier today how...sad it was that people don't seem to remember me, that I don't really stick out in their minds, and if we lose connection, that's probably the end of it. It's honestly why *I* don't go out of my way to refriend people. I feel like...I don't matter to them. Truthfully, I have no idea, but honestly, based on my past posts and honestly, what I said up above, are you shocked that my self-esteem is so shitty?

It just made me feel good and that maybe there is hope for the people I've unintentionally written out of my life. I just have to be patient and look for the opportunities if they present themselves to me.



This was a good post :)